Clinton Foundation Announces $1B for Adrenochrome Research
By: Anderson Cooper
The Clinton Foundation, in its mission to improve global public health and economic opportunity, today announced a monumental $1 billion donation to UR to support adrenochrome research.
The donation –– one of the first of its kind –– will transform the nation’s understanding of adrenochrome’s potential for anti-aging and brain-maximizing properties.
“Our ultimate goal is to prolong the mission of the Clinton Foundation,” former President Bill Clinton said outside of the office headquarters. “I had first heard of adrenochrome years ago, but was unaware of the health benefits until much more recently. I think Hillary was the one to really sell me on the potential, and from there it was a no-brainer.”
Adrenochrome is produced through the body’s oxidation of adrenaline, and was previously the subject of schizophrenia research before the public caught wind of its use among the wealthy for life extension and supernatural energy formation..
“It was pretty niche for a while, but adrenochrome was always somewhat popular among our upper-class clientele,” said Comet Ping Pong founder James Alefantis. “Ozempic is the miracle drug everyone’s talking about, but how else do you think Prince Philip held off death for so long?”
The endowment is set to change the nature of anti-aging treatment, and it was bestowed with the hopes of making the production of adrenochrome more efficient, a major goal of donors as well as of the Clinton Foundation.
“This makes things much easier on us, trust me,” former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton remarked. “Believe me, you don’t know how much I’ve been craving this.”
Cooper is a Vanderbilt nepotism baby.
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